DPS Shuts Down Pathetic, Dry Party Out of Pity

by Chad Lonski

USC — After receiving reports of a disorderly party Friday night at Parkside Apartments, the Department of Public Safety arrived at the scene. Yoo-hoo consumption and 100% Jello Jello-shots were just a few of the numerous violations that led to the shutdown of the “poor excuse for a college party” according to DPS accounts.

“When I arrived at the scene, I saw a cheese platter on the coffee table and Kool-Aid burst bottles strewn throughout the living room. I knew we had a dire situation on our hands,” said DPS Officer Stanley Johnson. “I have never seen a more horrifyingly sad party in all my time with the force. They were using red Solo cups for tap water. Tap water!”

Found on site were stockpiles of Capri Sun, Hi-C, Sunny Delite, and Hawaiian Punch. Also at the scene of the party were board games, piles of skittles, Lay’s classic potato chips, and generic brand blitz crackers.

“I thought this was a 10 year-old’s birthday party,” said DPS Deputy Ron Daniels “I have never been anywhere so devoid of hard liquor. It was a damn shame. Hopefully something good will come out of this. I hope they can learn a lesson.”

Five students were sent home for “upset tummies” and another three were treated on location for Pixy Stix induced “sugar rushes.”

At press time, USG as well as USC Residential Education were considering further sanctions for “ultimate lameness” and “failure to uphold Trojan tradition against sobriety.”