Gentrification Hits Disneyland Hard, Rising Rents Force Seven Dwarfs to Move

by Chad Lonski

base photo by Babble

DISNEYLAND — The magic kingdom has been experiencing some large changes in recent years as rising real estate values have pushed some long time residents of the area, like the seven dwarves, out of homes their families have owned for generations. Big money types like Mickey Mouse, Cruella de Vil, and Scrooge McDuck are able to handle changing income demographics.

Not only are the wealthier creative types able to ride out changing neighborhood demographics, but they are also able to capitalize on the changing tide with new business ventures. Mickey Mouse for one has refurbished sleeping beauty’s castle into a multi million dollar luxury vintage reuse loft.

The once humble shack the seven dwarfs called home for 120 years in the heart of Fantasyland has been turned into a contemporary art gallery, while Fantasyland all together has been renamed FOHO.

“We come from many generations of proud mineworkers,” stated Grumpy. “[The Disney elites] have access to capital we just don’t have, and because of that, heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s out of the park we go.”

The trend of a gentrifying Disneyland is part of a larger cultural shift. There’s a new seaside artist encampment in Paradise Pier, and even plans for a new fair trade boutique replacing New Orleans Square.

“First came the vinyl store and then came a vegan taco stand, we knew our days were numbered,” said Baloo. “We just need the bare necessities of life, not Korean-Mexican fusion food trucks.”

An apple store has replaced the Main Street Emporium, the Disneyland Band has been replaced by an underground rock band “you probably haven’t heard of,” and new independent coffee shops replaced the Starbucks’, which were too mainstream.

“It’s like a domino effect,” shouted the Mad Hatter, whose hat shop has been turned into an American Apparel. “As soon as you see the first stray barista, it’s all over. This is no very merry unbirthday indeed.”

Like a trust fund baby let loose in Brooklyn, Disneyland’s newest residents have come to favor it’s vintage charm, making Disneyland home for thousands of aimless, yet wealthy individuals.

The times are changing for the happiest place on earth. As if ushering in a new era, Priuses have replaced the Omnibus sending a message to the seven dwarves to start packing.