by Jack Hackett
SCHOOL OF CINEMATIC ARTS–Yesterday, film students protested dentists constantly “taking over” the Coffee Bean, a feud many years in the making.
Quentin Bucks, screenwriting major, initiated the protest when he took to tumblr writing: “I’m f*****g sick and f*****g tired of these f*****g dentists always taking up the f*****g line at my Coffee Bean! I want those scrubs f*****g banned for life!”
Although Bucks’ rant may have been harsh, many others agreed with the radical claims and formed a group called the Anti-Dentist Body, whose primary goal is to “scrape off the plaques.”
“We need to have separate Coffee Beans,” said disgruntled student, Anne Bradford. “One for us and one for them. Those chatty plaques take up all the seats, and now I have no place to start my screenplay!”
This morning, film students implemented the Plaque Codes, a series of rules prohibiting dentists and hygienists from bearing coffee, gathering in groups, and registering to vote. However, there is no way for the “storytellers” to legally enforce these regulations.
It was discovered that Carlton Johnston, a production major, has a grandfather who is an oral surgeon, making him 1/8th dentist. Although he is 7/8ths film student and identifies as a such, he was kicked out of the production track, stripped of all IMDB credits, and banned for life from the Coffee Bean.
Until the creation of the dental school’s own Coffee Bean, dental students will continue to use SCA’s, but dentists are forced to stand at the back of the line because the front is reserved for “artists.”