DPS to Stop Serial Booty-Bandit by Any Means Necessary

by Staff

Photoshop by Jack Hackett

Nothing has been able to stop the North University Park serial buttock-slapper.  In the past 10 days, there have been over a dozen incidents of a short, twenty-something hispanic male running up to USC students, slapping them in the butt, and absconding.

DPS’s network of cameras mounted throughout the neighborhood, yellowjackets on every corner, and rapid-response Segway officers have not been able to nab any suspects.

USC has been scrambling for a way to apprehend the infamous “Booty Bandit.”

DPS previously attempted to enforce a rule where all prospective butt-slappers would be required to show their USC IDs at checkpoints after 9pm.  The initiative was discontinued after a short trial period.

The University also briefly considered a policy similar to the one currently in place at freshman dorms that would place finger scanners on the buttocks of all buxom females north of Campus.

Starting on April 4th, all DPS officers, male and female, will be sporting brand new regulation booty shorts as part of their patrol uniform.

Said DPS Officer Sergeant Jeff Boza, “Let’s just say that we’re going to make the Booty Bandit walk his bike…. to JAIL.”