Image editing by Jack Hackett
The end of the year is drawing near and you’re wondering just how exactly you’re going to land that sweet summer internship. You’ve talked to the Career Center and your academic advisors, but you still feel a little unprepared.
Well, the bros are here to help.
Who said that building a career requires qualifications? With these quick, easy, tips you’ll be sailing smoothly and confidently into the job market even faster than the other guys in your business fraternity.
1. Take your LinkedIn photo at the gym to share your active lifestyle.
2. Wear your high school letterman jacket and chubbies to your interview. This lets your employer see that you’re an athletic kind of guy, who’s a total baller.
3. Call your interviewer ‘bro’ once or twice. If she’s somehow a lady, gently place your palm on her leg to demonstrate your confidence and poise.
4. When your interviewer asks you why you want to work for the company, pause dramatically for at least 90 seconds while adjusting your obsessively tight shirt. Then answer in a whisper, “Why not?”
5. If they ask about your one-week ‘volunteer experience’ in Mexico, respond in Spanish. A popular option is, “¡Cabo, ése!”
6. Mention your fraternity’s hell-week experience to further demonstrate your ability to accomplish any task no matter how strenuous, like standing in a line with ten other half-naked men while angry drunks scream at you for three hours.
7. Make sure to find a good spot in the room for your longboard. If you’re worried about being clumsy, ride a Penny board instead.
8. On your resume, be sure to include your twitter handle and be sure to submit a portfolio of previous yik yak posts to show those college-level writing skills.
9. At the end of the interview, be sure to give your interviewer a light slap on the butt. This will ensure that they see you as an equal. Again, this is even more effective if your interviewer is somehow a lady.
10. Most importantly, don’t forget to follow up with your interviewer to thank them for their time. After a few days, just send them a quick, late-night text, so they don’t think you’re too into the job.