Greek Community’s Attempt to Decide Which Frat is ‘the Least Fratty’ Ends in Raucous Pool Party

by Andy Gause

The Presidents of USC’s Greek organizations gathered together this weekend to put an end to the question of which house is ‘the least fratty.’ 

Frattiness, in this context, is meant as a negative and signifies a Greek organization with large amounts of bro-tastic douchebaggery.

For ages, each house has promised incoming pledges that they were the least fratty Greek organization. They claimed that, unlike the rival houses, their house was more focused on brotherhood, tradition, and the community rather than simply raging.

The meeting was held midday Friday at the Chill Lounge, a hidden jacuzzi porch and fire pit built specifically for the heads of the Greek system.  The area was once designated for low income housing before being bought up by the university with funds from alumni. 

Some thought that the midday Friday starting time might conflict with classes but, thankfully, every Greek president did not have any prior engagements.

The group held a blind vote with each member allowed only one vote. The voting ended in a tie, as every member voted for their own house as the least fratty, which was specifically against the rules.

The Presidents attempted to vote again, but were delayed by the arrival of Domino’s pizza and Natural Light kegs. The assembled Presidents then decided that the event needed some tuneage and proceeded to set up a DJing station. The Presidents all offered to DJ, but it was decided it would be easier if they just put someone’s iPod on shuffle

Once again, the Presidents were ready to vote, but were distracted by the Big Sean song blasting from the speakers. Witnesses claim that many of the sorority Presidents shouted “This is my jam,” before grinding against nearby fraternity Presidents.

This led to a impromptu twerking contest between the sororities. Surprisingly, the group had no trouble reaching a verdict on the contest.

Soon, more and more non-leadership fraternity brothers arrived at the event, having been lured in by the EDM music and tanning spray smell. Eventually, the Presidents had to call security to make sure no uninvited males entered the over-crowded Chill Lounge.

The event turned ugly when Chad Newport, the President of Episilon Alpha Theta, attacked Todd Jameison, the President of Beta Omega Beta. Allegedly, the incident broke out after Mr. Jameison claimed that Mr. Newport’s protein powder brand was ‘wack.’

Finally, the vote was called off in favor of holding an inflatable jacuzzi beer pong tournament. The Greek Presidents promised to gather next week at the 901 Bar to finish their vote.