Graduating Senior Honored for Record Fundraging Totals

by Axel Hellman and Morgan Greenwald

In a ceremony last Thursday held by the Michael and Kijafa Vick Children’s Foundation, Winthrop “The Throp” Jones, a graduating senior from the Marshall School of Business majoring in Ponzi equity management, received an award for his charity work during his four years at USC.

“The Throp” was selected for the award because of his devotion to dozens upon dozens of causes. Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, “The Throp” could be found donating his money – and time – to various philanthropic gatherings. At the ceremony, Michael Vick hailed “The Throp” as a “tireless patron of charities and nonprofits.”

Some of “The Throp’s” most noteworthy events include “Drunk-a-thon for AIDS”, “Kegger for the Kids”, and the SCALE (Student Coalition Against Labor Exploitation) “Twerker’s Rights” fund-rager.

The other finalist for the award was Chlaudia Midia, an Annenberg student majoring in paparazzi journalism who spent her junior year building homes in rural African villages. What truly set “The Throp” apart were his donations to low-income inner-city youth, who sold him skittles once a week for what seems to be the longest lasting fundraiser in the history of the world.

“The Throp” was a generous benefactor of these five-dollar fundraisers.  Even after he had so generously paid the admission fee, “The Throp” would go above and beyond and buy the entire room a round of Jell-O shots – truly the work of a world-class philanthropist.

At the award banquet, held at Town and Gown, Michael Vick, his wife, and the executive director of the foundation joined a group of famished Somalian youngsters to present him with the gilded award scroll (Somalians not pictured due to possible reader traumatization).  After the ceremony, the banquet attendees mingled over cocktails and Plumpy’nut malnourishment rations.

After the ceremony, “The Throp” graciously provided a statement to the Sack of Troy. “I’m pretty flattered by all this media attention. I’m especially excited about these tax-deductible charity donations. I mean, who knew that I would get a $700 tax return check from the IRS just for getting trashed every night?”