“Weed Opened My Third Eye” Says Man Who Hasn’t Opened a Book in Five Years

By Lili Adkins

LOS ANGELES, CA –– USC student and renowned activist Robert Davis has devoted his life to destigmatizing recreational marijuana usage, claiming that the drug “opened his third eye to divine wisdom.” However, his claims to eternal knowledge have recently been called into question, following the discovery that Davis has not read a singular page of literature in five years. 

A super-super senior from Los Feliz studying God-Knows-What, Davis first received backlash from SJACS after he was caught giving edibles to TroyCamp students in an attempt to “free their minds from the societal pressures of recess.” He has combated the accusations by claiming that marijuana provides an instruction and introspection unmatched by the modern education system. 

“A lot of people think that education is about learning math or science or reading or whatever––but it’s not. Look at me: I’m highly educated and ambitious, and I haven’t read anything since The Stranger sophomore year. Sophomore year of high school, I mean. The closest thing I’ve gotten to reading is compiling my free-form poetry collection of high thoughts, like ‘What if chickens had human feet?’, ‘How do they add the sugar in sweet potatoes?’, and ‘Why isn’t it socially acceptable to keep hummingbirds as pets?’ I showed it to my mom, and she got real emotional: ‘Oh, Robert, all your potential!’ She even cried. Probably because the poems are so raw.”

Davis’ brain did not always have the capacity for poetry and emotionality. In fact, his brain only used to be able to handle complex philosophical concepts and math more difficult than calculating how much to pay his dealer.

“After I started smoking, I became a true creative, you know? I used to be so stuck up, so well-rounded and literate. I was gonna go to law school and fight against contemporary injustices or whatever, but then I realized that lifestyle was just a cracked-out rat maze––and my spirit animal definitely isn’t a rat. Now I do way more important things, like making these really dope mushroom drawings and writing raps about my ex-girlfriend Michelle. Marijuana was my gateway, bro. Not only to my minor cocaine addiction, but also to freedom from the chains of capitalism.” 

When asked about his plans for the future, Davis revealed his aspirations to “live in a cabin in the woods or whatever. Pull a Thorough or whatever that guy’s name is. I don’t know, I didn’t read the book.” 

“If that doesn’t work out,” he confidently states, “I can always go work for my dad’s consulting firm or join LAPD.”