By Hannah Ryan
LOS ANGELES, CA–– A recent report by the World Health Organization on the effects of 5G on the body suggests that the wireless technology used by mobile network operators may not be as harmful as many believe. The research investigations, which spanned over 18 months and finished in January, uncovered the technology’s “potentially beneficial effects on the human body, including a little bit of telekinetic powers and some other badass stuff.”
“Everybody knows that we only use ten percent of our brain,” Dr. Franklin Pell, lead researcher, said in a press conference following the report’s publication. “Our experiments conclude that small doses of 5G unlock that other ninety percent, allowing you to jump really high or be really strong or whatever.”
Dr. Pell, an experienced epidemiologist, continued to explain that by walking near a 5G tower for a few minutes each day sans aluminum tinfoil hat, anyone can achieve these powers. He even displayed how high he could jump thanks to the exposure, smacking an exit sign above a nearby doorway.
“I know what you’re all thinking, because now I can read minds,” Dr. Pell stated near the end of the conference. “You’re worried about possible harmful effects of 5G.”
He was correct, as backlash flooded the internet within hours of the event. In his first public announcement regarding the phenomenon, Governor Gavin Newsom reminded Californians not to overlook the fact that “exposure may lead to discomfort in any garment other than tight spandex, as well as the uncontrollable desire to wear capes.”
In addition, many skeptics spoke out about Pell’s newfound powers. “I’ve seen higher jumpers at a middle school track and field meet,” an anonymous reporter later tweeted. “I could definitely beat him in a jumping contest, and I’ve eaten nothing but Takis and Wendy’s 4 for $4 this week.”
However, Pell held steadfast to his newfound strengths: “I can assure you that after daily exposure over the past year and a half, I’ve only gotten more powerful,” he told the crowds. He then proceeded to kick his podium over, causing a domino effect and toppling the folded chairs next to it. A chair on the other side of the room miraculously toppled as well. “I did that with my cool, magic brain,” the doctor claimed before sprinting out of the building and tripping over his spandex cape in the process.
While the World Health Organization asserts that “5G superpowers are gnarly”, researchers continue to investigate these conclusions.