by Alan Smithee
LAS VEGAS, NV — With over 136 black people killed to date by police officers in the United States, law enforcement has responded to the public outrage by implementing measures to ensure equitability by shooting more unarmed white people.
At the annual conference of the American Police Force Association in Las Vegas, Chief Chester T. Morrison made a statement about the new policy: “This is America and I don’t care if you are black, brown, white or whatever color Chinese people are, everybody, and I mean everybody deserves the benefit of unlawful policing.”
The motion put forward by Chief Morrison was overwhelmingly approved, however, there were questions as to how the resolution will be enforced.
Orange County Police Chief, Chas Pettigrew, asked, “We have two black people in O.C. If one gets shot, do we have to shoot one innocent white person, or do we have to go after 50% of whites in Orange County?”
Chief Morrison was sympathetic to the challenges Chief Pettigrew faced: “Look, a lot of white people are going to die, but that’s the only way to make up for what we’ve done in the past. If that means seeing drastic population drops on Wall Street, or Portland, so be it.”
The new measures are expected to be implemented immediately and local law enforcement is hopeful it will see immediate results by targeting high density white zones such as Lulu Lemon stores and Drake concerts.