New Finger Fountain to Be Pointed at Financial Aid Office

by Quinton Buxton

USC — In light of prominent renovations at the school’s entrance, USC has officially announced that the famed Finger Fountain — notoriously known by students for flipping the bird in the direction of rival UCLA — will be moving spots. Specifically, it will now point directly at the door of the financial aid office.

Junior Mindy Lambert spoke highly of the news: “It’s more logical this way. UCLA students don’t treat us nearly as poorly as the the financial aid office does.”

When asked to elaborate, Lambert declined, explaining, “I’m late for my third job, and I literally can’t afford to be late.”

To get a better understanding behind the motivations of the endeavor, we spoke to the contractor in charge of the project:

“When I filed for bankruptcy due to crippling student debt, I thought I’d lost everything,” said former Trojan, Conrad Stoll. “Finally I got a chance to celebrate USC’s rich history of financially screwing over its students by pointing a giant middle finger statue at ‘em. Subtlety isn’t my forte.”

Reactions have fared positively, as students line their pockets with anticipation.

“At first I was worried that the statue’s message would be a little too obvious and the financial aid office would respond by actually starting to help students,” says Cam Canderson. “But when I went the other day, the guy at the desk lit my wallet on fire with a blowtorch. I was so relieved!”

With fervor booming, the cathartic effigy’s debut is bound to make smiles here on campus a dime a dozen, something that can’t be said about proper financial aid packages.