by Joseph Grazier
Fantastic strides were made today in the relatively narrow realm of grad student-professor relations; A newly discovered bacterium was named in honor of the “many graduate students through the years who have given their time, money, and self-respect” to programs that care “little to none about their well being.”
This new species, “Gradistudia slaveti,” resides exclusively in the sewage systems of the state of New Jersey and exists “soundly on the bottom end of the food chain” according to professor Robert J. Himely of the University of Southern California.
Himely continued on: “As professors, we feel like our grad students are members of our extended families. They aren’t just here to sort our mail, do our tedious research, or clean our unmentionables. I really hope that this sign of goodwill helps to improve relationships with our graduate students, whom we cherish deeply.”
One of Himely’s students attempted to comment, but was “hushed” by the professor and promptly sprayed with a water mister.