“Time to bring out the ol’ oops-I-was-racist-sorry-about-that stationery,” said Ross Bragett, external relations chair of the insult and drink throwing fraternity, which was suddenly put into the spotlight this weekend after a member shouted, “Indian piece of s#*t” out the window of his fraternity house at USG President Rini Sampath.
Greg Hosser, the student who hurled the racist slurs at Rini in a beatbox-fueled drunken rage, told the Sack of Troy that he awoke the next morning, slightly hung over but completely back to his totally-not-racist self.
Ever the gentleman, he realized at once that he had to make amends. “I truly believe that all lives matter,” Hosser shared, “I mean this is 2015. Racism is over.”
“As soon as I saw the article in the Washington Post, I started to feel more and more contrite. I called the florist on Fig and ordered his finest sincerity roses, the ones usually reserved for just ordinary drink throwing without the racial slurs.”
“I also considered the ‘Oops! I Did It Again!’ chocolates but, drawing on the extensive etiquette training of my youth at cotillion, I decided that would not be apropos to the situation.”
Hosser soon set to work on the note. After extensive research flipping through Brooks Brothers’ How to be a Gentleman, Hosser tossed the book out of the window he yelled through, and asked himself, “What if I say I was joking? Yeah, that’ll work.”
After talking to a few of his frat bros over a quick afternoon game of snappa, he reconsidered and then hastily wrote an apology note on a ripped off piece of graph paper reading:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Sorry sorry sorry
Please don’t kick us off the row.
Ya Boy Greg.
P.S. We chill?
Then Greg handed it off to a pledge to deliver along with the sun-wilted bouquet of roses with the rest of the Monday Night Deliveries.