USC’s Fall Plans Force Empty Nesters to Abandon Dreams of Moving to Fiji and Starting a Throuple

By Bryn Doyle 

REDDING, CA The Twin XL sheets and Facetime schedule were all prepared for August in the Nichols household when USC notified families that classes would be online in the fall, and moving to campus was discouraged. Paula and Bernard Nichols’ plans to finally send their clingiest child, Kimmy, to college have been delayed along with their plans to fully commit to their tropical fijian throuple.

In their colonial style family home, photos of the Nichols family line the walls, but a certain few are particularly alluring. A large photo of a glistening Adonis of a man waving in front of a waterfall sits on top of the fireplace. In Bernard’s office, the same hunk is pictured with a monkey on his shoulders with Paula laughing besides him. In the master bedroom, a photo of the sex symbol splashing in the waves hangs on the wall opposite the bed.

Paula appeared tormented when questioned about the irresistible hunk of man meat wistfully explaining, “That’s Luka, our missing piece. He’s a marine biologist who saves turtles and he saved our marriage”.

Holding his distraught wife, Bernard mused “We told Luka that we were finally going to be together and that nothing could keep us apart any longer.  Our four trysts, one sabbatical, an amazing weekend in Lautoka were never enough time with him”.

However, with Kimberly staying home for her first semester of college Paula and Bernard have had to abandon their hopes, dreams, and future. “We bought a home in Fiji for me, Paula, and Luka to live in this year, but we know Luka will take good care of the home while he waits for us” Bernard sighed.

“Luka has his turtles, his wakeboarding, and his training for Fijian Ninja Warrior to keep himself occupied without us” Paula lamented. “We were just so excited to have the family and home full of love we always dreamed about with Luka.” 

Seeing Kimmy lurking throughout the house Bernard, close to tears after seeing his dreams dissipate, lamented “we can’t have our dream family, make love to each other by the waves, watch the Fiji sunset in each other’s arms… oh yeah and Kimmy won’t get to live on campus or whatever.”