The Great Migration: USC Students Flock East for Coachella

By Sarah Ruiz

LOS ANGELES, CA – Pack your pills and poppers, USC’s finest scholars are heading East for the weekend! For the small price of $700 you too can see an artist you wouldn’t bother paying to see in LA. For the rest of you sad sacks at home, I’ve made a list of activities to keep you from checking your crush’s Instagram story over the next two weeks. 

Activity #1: Coachella At Home

Why travel 135 miles when we have Coachella at home? With just the purchase of a Spotify Premium account and an added misdemeanor to your criminal record, you can replicate an authentic Coachella experience without ever leaving the USC campus. Simply hop the fence to the new construction site, find your favorite patch of sand, and blast your favorite Clairo track through cheap wired headphones. Bonus points if you can get a shirtless guy to offer you a lighter.

Activity #2: Attend Fyre Festival 2

Why attend a structured event with a proven track record of success when you could attend Fyre Festival 2? For double the cost and half the safety regulations, Fyre Festival provides a comprehensive alternative to Coachella. From May 30th to June 2nd you can roleplay being a castmate on the newest season of Survivor with beautiful views of overflowing porta potties and millennials trying acid for the first time. 

Activity #3: Find God

There’s no better excuse for missing Southern California’s most anticipated weekend than a religious exemption. Can’t make weekend one? This is the perfect time to purchase a yamaka and hard launch your newfound Jewish status to your friends at a Seder. For those committed to their Passover celebration, you can recreate Jesus’ noble pilgrimage, wandering aimlessly through the desert and finding the Holy Land (Joshua Tree).