Top 10 Rights I’m Gonna Miss Having
By Violet Rose Wang
LOS ANGELES, CA – America’s 45th, 47th, and final president Donald Trump has announced many concepts of a plan to rid us of our sneaky, dirty rights. While I would never dare defy our very smart, very big leader, who is only doing this for our good, and this hurts him more than it hurts us, I think I’ll still be nostalgic for a few liberties in the end. Here are the top 10 rights I’m gonna miss having.
10. The Right to Free Speech
Everyone knows everybody else needs to shut the fuck up. But I didn’t realize how much I truly enjoyed yapping until I was at risk of being forcefully muzzled! And as much as that turns me on, I’d prefer if the government asked me if I consented to it first. Consent is hot.
9-7. The Right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness
I can deal without the pursuit of happiness, I can deal without liberty, and heck, I can even deal without life, but all three? Harsh! But, to be fair, I haven’t been able to find my pursuit of happiness since I turned 13 anyways.
6. The Right to Not Quarter a Soldier in My House
When I invite my mother over to my place, who I’m NOT inviting is her new fuckass army boy toy. It’s not that I can’t forgive my parents for getting a divorce, and it’s not because my ex-boyfriend is a marine, either. I’m just trying to exercise my good and goddamn third amendment right. Trump himself may not be getting rid of this right, but I sure fucking miss having it.
5. The Right to Privacy
Just kidding, we haven’t had that in decades.
4. The Right to Have Opinions
I just think that– uh, wait, what I’m trying to say is I feel like… Um, I mean I don’t feel like, I mean, having opinions is a pretty basic right in my– no, that’s not… Shit. Fuck. I give up.
3. The Right to Furry Porn
If red, white, and blue-blooded Americans want to see voluptuous photos of wolf women in thigh-highs and Freddy Fazbear making out sloppy style, who is the government to stop us? I can at least kind of see the vision for his other removals, but Trump is going too far with this one. This is NOT what I voted for.
2. The Right to Exist
Trump will soon order the swift whisking away of me and the erasure of evidence of my existence, along with every other non-straight, non-white non-male. Although it’s true existence is pain and nothing really matters, a wacky part of me feels like it will somewhat miss having a physical form to experience the universe in all of its beauty. It’s kind of annoying.
1. The Right to Write Satire
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