Centrist Having A Really Good January
By Violet Rose Wang
LOS ANGELES, CA – In the face of fire, war, and the death of American democracy, local centrist Holden Berries told reporters that he was having a really good January.
“Yeah, it’s been nice,” told Berries, staring at his phone. “I tried rock climbing last week. That was cool! But other parts weren’t that cool. I think I saw the Dow Jones went up, so that’s good too! Overall, some things aren’t so good, but other things have been doing just fine! Life’s been rocking on, like a car driving steadily down the middle of the road.” Berries put his hands in his pockets, continuing, “My New Year’s resolution’s been going okay! I’ve been trying to get more informed. About both sides, equally. I can’t believe I can read news on the phone!”
When pressed on personal troubles, Berries shrugged. “Uh, I’ve been planning to get a new phone charger recently. And dating apps! It’s so hard to meet people these days. I just don’t get women! Or men.”
When asked about his thoughts on recent politics, Berries sighed. “Oh, I mean, I’ve never really been into that sort of thing,” he chuckled. “I’m just a regular guy! I don’t know aaaanything about politics. I just don’t really care. All the politicians are real clowns. Extremes on BOTH sides are EQUALLY dangerous and are EXACTLY the same to me.” Berries paused. “But that Trump guy has been doing a lot. I’ve heard some pretty crazy stuff from both sides, but I just think it’s good that he’s trying!”
At press time, interviewers had punched Berries in the face. Berries claimed that it wasn’t painless, but it also wasn’t extremely painful.