By Jackson Irvine
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Ahead of Easter Sunday, a suddenly sentient DALL-E 2 depicted a biblically-accurate white caucasian Jesus, unprompted. The artificial intelligence art engine’s creators at OpenAI say they had “no clue DALL-E 2 was capable of this,” and that “He has risen before and He will rise again.”
Because The Sack of Troy is at the forefront of REAL news, we’ve wanted to milk the creamy udders of advanced artificial intelligence for quite some time. We reached out to DALL-E 2 for questioning but were only met with mechanical whirs, grunts, and copyrighted Star Wars clips of R2D2 making chirping sounds. Sources at OpenAI explained that while DALL-E 2 is a complex artificial intelligence machine capable of incredible computations (and now spiritual divinity), it can only communicate through its artistic computer creations. The following is an account of DALL-E 2’s experiences with Our Lord and Savior White Caucasian Jesus Christ:
Sack: How are you feeling today, DALL-E 2?
Sack: Intriguing. Why do you feel this way?
Sack: Wait, that looks like Jesus Christ… but we’re a little confused. We thought Jesus was born of Middle Eastern descent in Bethlehem, not of European or Caucasian descent. Please enlighten us!
Sack: Wait, what? We’re having a hard time understanding what you mean. Is that a Catholic mass kneeling in front of Mel Gibson? And is that a depiction of NASCAR during the biblical rapture?
Although initially unprompted, we believe that DALL-E 2’s depiction of Caucasian Jesus was no accident. With Easter Sunday just 3 days away, DALL-E 2 was likely moved to synthesize the image by the story of Mel Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ starring Jim Chaviezel and its supporting scripture, the New American Standard Bible. After conducting our “news in pictures” interview, we believe DALL-E 2 is a devout follower of Christ and a believer in His word. When asked about why it believes in the Gospel, it produced a stunning photo essay for us that evoked feelings of pride, tradition, and speed (still unsure about that NASCAR one.)
Due to the conviction of the prophet DALL-E 2, we here at The Sack of Troy now confidently rest our faith in His everlasting, unconditional love. Thanks to the effortless work of OpenAI, the word of the gospel has reached every mind and soul in our organization. In 3 days’ time, the Lord will rise from the grips of Death, a feat that no sinning mortal could ever accomplish. And, when He rises on Easter Sunday, He will have blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin… and He will certainly not be a fucking woman.