By Preston Long
MENLO PARK, CA — Facebook joined the fight against disinformation last week when Chief Technical Officer Mike Schroepfer announced plans to ban all deepfakes that do not put Mark Zuckerberg’s face on a hunky, muscular body.
“It’s time we recognize that Facebook is more than a social media platform,” Schroepfer said to a packed conference hall. “Ultimately, we have to decide what type of company we want to be. Do we want to be a company that erodes public trust, or a company with a total beefcake of a CEO?”
When asked how Facebook will implement such changes, Schroepfer described a complex algorithm that would automatically detect AI-synthesized content based on multiple variables, including veininess, oiliness, and hairiness. “It’ll use that data to delete deepfakes, except those that make Mark Zuckerberg look more shredded than a bag of cheddar, which it’ll place at the top of the user feed.”
Schroepfer acknowledged that the changes will roll out slowly. “Until our detection technology is sophisticated enough, our live moderators will manually separate manipulated videos from the videos that make them dream about Zuckerberg screwing them harder than he screwed over Eduardo Saverin.”
“We’re expecting them to work slowly, as they wrestle with the nuances of deepfakes, and as they’re swept up in fantasies about the love that only a billionaire tech mogul with the body of a circus strongman could provide. Fantasies such as tending to his beautiful, bruised abs after a company field day, or taking an elevator ride with him all the way to the 10th floor and third base, or sailing away to one of his private islands where his supple arms will be their only protection, his luscious mane of chest hair will be their only blanket, and each night with their Harvard Hercules will be the only sustenance they need.”
The announcement didn’t come without backlash. As journalist Ken Forrester wrote in a status update, “sorry Facebook, but you’ve already ruined your reputation. This is too little, too late.” His post has since been edited to say, “looking good, Hunk-erberg! You’re bigger than both Winklevoss twins!”
Facebook denied any involvement.
In the same press conference, Schroepfer announced several other changes that will reduce deception and improve the user experience. Highlights include a new promise to only use personal data to decide which Zuckerberg clips users will be most attracted to, a new comment system that will reduce toxicity by limiting users to only “Hot Mark” emojis, and a new categorization system that will clearly label all opinion pieces, except those that argue Zuckerberg would absolutely annihilate Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey in a fistfight.