By Lili Adkins
LOS ANGELES, CA — Since its establishment, the LGBTQ+ Student Center (LGBTQ+SC) has offered priceless resources and opportunities for the university’s queer population. However, in the face of an impending infiltration of the center by soulless, cargo-short-wearing straight individuals, it has installed metal detectors at the door with the sole mission of identifying “authentic gays” through their nose jewelry.
“In the last few months, LGBTQ+SC has been overcrowded with queerbaiters and overcompensating allies, making it extremely difficult for genuine queer students to receive the resources they need,” says advisor Keegan Riley. “Lately, the only people you see in the lounge are bisexual AFAB she/theys who are ‘totally gay but would never date a woman’ and their superstraight, gamer boyfriends whose main contribution to the community is watching male-directed lesbian porn.”
For a while, the center accepted and welcomed these students with open arms, wishing to continue ever prevalent Gay Straight Alliance clubs. However, an incident last week forced the center to become more selective in who is allowed to use their facilities.
“We realized just how much the essence of the center had been compromised last Wednesday,” Riley remembers. “A group of staff and I were discussing the latest season of Rupaul’s Drag Race when a freshman with a Billie Eilish shirt and jorts approached us and asked, ‘Wait, since when does Paul Rudd race cars?’ That’s when we knew we had been infiltrated by the straights.”
The new metal detectors will accurately filter queer students from posers with cutting-edge Gaydar technology.
“When students enter the center, their faces are quickly scanned for any trace of metal. If they lack nose jewelry, an alarm of ‘Criminal’ by Britney Spears sounds, and security will immediately escort the individual out of the building. If the jewelry is bulky enough to meet a necessary threshold, a student may enter without question. In a situation where only a small stud or thin ring is detected, our staff will conduct a TSA-style frisk in search of other queer signals: abnormally large earrings, Doc Martens, or patterned button-ups.”
While the center remains optimistic about their efforts, it acknowledges that further precautions may be necessary to weed out Travis Scott fans and Viterbi bros who still wear skinny jeans. Their future plans include connecting USCards to students’ 2016 Tumblr accounts and distributing clipboards in the lounge with Kinsey Scale tests.