George Santos Also Editor-In-Chief of The Sack of Troy
By Levi Elias
WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. Congressman, NASA astrophysicist and 47-time Miss Universe winner, George Santos, adds current Editor-in-Chief of Sack of Troy, USC’s second best satirical news publication, to his self-proclaimed “incredibly impressive” resume.
As a former Goldman Sachs project manager and Great Emu War Veteran, our fearless Editor-in-Chief Santos believes he is firmly qualified to write silly, little jokes primarily mocking Greek life culture and mildly significant USC current events for the intention of a slight nasal exhale from a procrastinating Instagram scroller. “I am an expert comedian” says Santos, “I starred in Hannah Montana as both Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana. I wrote Toy Story and invented 3D animation. I also invented 3D, as in I invented the entirety of the third dimension that we live within.”
His educational background is also extraordinary, including a bachelor’s degree in a different subject field from every school included in all of the Princeton Review’s “Best Colleges” list. In addition, he has an MBA from L’Chaim University, a PhD in Gender Studies and Latin American culture from Education Connection and the bottom half of an American Country Music Award that says “MD and also MFA in Lots of Smartness from Hardford Youkneevercity”.
Furthermore, LinkedIn has officially bestowed Santos with the highest possible honor, Linkedin Supreme. This distinguishable honor entails being the first person to ever work as the top ranking position at every single business registered on LinkedIn, including LinkedIn itself.
From now on, the Sack of Troy will become an advocacy group in support of the legendary Brazilian drag queen Kitara Ravache and why she deserved to be the winner of the Gaymada Interdrag Championship and Dodgeball Tournament, not that total bitch Pepper Purpitorius.