By Sarah Cortina
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite a long-standing fight to grant statehood to the District of Columbia, and amid an awaiting bill to grant statehood to Puerto Rico, Congress has fast tracked creating a police state instead.
As explained by Senate Republicans, this decision was easy. “Given the federal police budget of $20.1 billion, the schools and infrastructure would be top tier,” digressed Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell. “It would create walkable cities, which is perfect for being able to stop and frisk. Plus, the police’s infrastructure is already quite impressive. Look at all these paramilitary-esque vehicles! Those can easily be converted into school buses.”
Among many other hot button topics regarding DC statehood were a tiff over the stars on the flag, which has remained at 50 since the
colonization addition of Alaska and Hawaii in the 1950s. However, officials assured that this would not be an issue. “Luckily, a flag design is already circulating, especially among the future citizens. We need not add another star, but rather a blue line on the 8th stripe of the lines that represent our colonies,” mused McConnell. After initial confusion whether he was referring to Puerto Rico, American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, or the U.S. Virgin Islands, McConnell clarified. “No, the original colonies.”
Leaders are also confident in the success of the future state provided their excellent employment track record. “Given our employee retention rate, we know our state will have 100% employment, as we have no layoffs or firings, no matter how many infractions, murders, records of abuse of power, or domestic abuse charges our employees may or may not be prosecuted for.”