By Levi Elias
ATLANTA, GA — This Tuesday, December 6th, Georgia Senate candidates Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock will engage in a runoff after neither cleared the 50% vote threshold. In preparation, Walker has been going to the gym twice a day, everyday, to work on his leg strength, agility, and mobility so that he can sprint through the runoff, and run right onto the Senate floor.
As a former professional athlete, Walker believes that he is overqualified for this runoff and that Raphael Warnock is a puny little church man who stands no chance of defeating him in this glorious feat of raw strength. “Herschel Walker is the fastest. Nobody can outrun Herschel Walker. He’s too quick. He’s just too fast. Herschel is the man! I’ve been training my whole life for this,” said Walker while running on a Planet Fitness treadmill.
“Warnock’s not as fast as you. How many Heisman trophies does he have? None. He’s got none. He’s not fast. You’re fast. You should race a cheetah, that’d be a fair race.” Walker picked up his phone while running and called his wife. “Hey honey, can you buy me a cheetah?” She responded, “What’s that about cheating? You did it again? How could you Herschel? How could you?” “Must be the hormones. Don’t worry, I’ll get that taken care of,” responded Walker, hanging up on her and ringing Planned Parenthood’s speed dial.
After completing 60 minutes on the treadmill at a spicy 5.2 miles per hour and some heavy sets of deep squats, Walker claims that, “It’s been a minute since I was in the NFL, but I’m still as quick as ever. Look, I’m over here. Now I’m over here. I’m like Jesse Robinson or Sadam Hussain Bolt. I’m the fastest. You can’t see where I’m going. I’m faster than light.”
Next to Walker, disgraced former assistant wrestling coach (and Ohio Representative) Jim Jordan pounded it out on the elliptical “Oh yeah Jimmy, you’re too fast. Who’s gonna run for re-election? Jim Jordan is, that’s who! Nobody’s ever gonna beat you. Jimmy’s faster than light. Jimmy is speed. Jimmy’s like Lightning McQueen. Ka-chow!” Walker turned his head to interrupt Jordan’s self monologue “Jimmy’s not fast, Herschel’s fast.” “No! Herschel’s not faster than Jimmy!” Both men increased their speed by 0.1 mph to show that the heat is officially on.
When asked about his senate policies, Walker responded, “What?”