By Jonathan Krone
LOS ANGELES, CA — Speaking behind closed doors in a shadowy lair, chairman of the University of Southern California board Rick Caruso praised new president Carol Folt for “keeping all the scandals so far under wraps.”
In just 8 months of her presidency, Caruso said Folt has already covered up dozens of potentially embarrassing scandals, like the yogurt shop fiasco, the cocaine brick walls, and the “totally unrelated” student deaths.
“The transparency she’s been able to feign has been amazing,” said Kathy Leventhal, chair of the board of Public Affairs. “I mean could you imagine if all the stuff we’ve done wrong in the last few months was out in the public eye? The backlash from the swimming pool scandal alone would probably bankrupt our school. Folt was a great choice.”
Her short tenure as president has already allowed a wide array of misdeeds across the faculty, staff, and administration. “President Carol Folt has started a new chapter in the history of USC!” cackled Rick Caruso, “A chapter of complete free reign to smoke as much meth with as many hookers as we choose!” At press time, Caruso was pressing a button which opened a trap door, dropping any board members who refused to participate into a crocodile pit below.