“You’ve Got What It Takes, Kid!” Ted Cruz Names Josh Hawley to Succeed Him As New Zodiac Killer

By Gitika Pahwa

WASHINGTON D.C. – In an intimate exchange between the two junior senators on the chamber floor, Ted Cruz promoted Josh Hawley to replace him as the next Zodiac Killer.

The conversation occurred privately, with Cruz passing Hawley a sticky note with coded symbols and shapes. Hawley’s face immediately lit up in a way that onlookers later described as “psychotic” and “kind of creepy.” 

“It means so much to receive this title from someone I’ve always looked up to. I used to practice his methods on my cat and little sister, so I feel prepared for the job,” Hawley remarked. “I won’t let him down.”

Cruz’s spokesman also noted that this was a very tough decision to make. Representatives Paul Gosar and Marjorie Taylor Greene were “devastated” that they did not get the offer. Greene, who arrived at the Capitol covered in George Soros’s blood, told reporters that she was especially disheartened because she had used the morning to “make an impression.” 

Cruz chose Hawley after observing the backlash against him for inciting the capitol riots.“He has the potential to be hated just as much, if not more, than me. Do you know how fucking hard that is?” Cruz shouted at reporters before pushing an elderly man to the ground. Onboarding is expected to begin in the coming weeks and will include training in stalking, roping, and stabbing. 

Consistent in his opposition to a peaceful transfer of power, Hawley plans to make Cruz the first victim in his new role.

“Ted Cruz” by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

“File:190411-D-PB383-003 (46862842424).jpg” by Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from Washington D.C, United States is licensed under CC BY 2.0