These Two Guys With Eyepatches Are Disrupting The Cargo Industry

By Joshua Wolk

SOMALIA  — Last Friday, two eye-patched founders joined the Fortune 500 with their disruptive cargo startup, Plundr. 

The two come from quite different backgrounds. Pietrov Greenbeard dropped out of Berkeley CS after slaying his professor in a duel. “He never had a chance,” reminisced Greenbeard. “I wielded a British broadsword and he had but a Razer RGB keyboard.”

Victor Goldbutton, a USC Supply Chain alumni, joined the company after a brief stint on Wall Street. “It was always my exit plan,” explained Goldbutton. “It’s not as fulfilling to steal from people legally.”

Their pitch is simple: bombard unexpecting freighters, capture the crew dead or alive, and pillage all of their riches. While most startups focus on building, Plundr changes the game with their unique philosophy of complete and utter destruction. 

“It’s all about scale,” explained Greenbeard. “You start with one ship, ransack a crew, and now you have two ships. Each of those ships ransacks another ship and that’s four. We’re seeing exponential growth.” 

Plundr has a high-income, reliable target market, but often sinks it with massive cannons. This aggressive strategy has maintained their primary KPI (immense fear) but it also has led analysts to question the sustainability of their business model due to its acceleration of global economic downturn.

When asked about the much-anticipated recession, Goldbutton waved his hook in dismay. “Argh! We’ve had to implement a hiring freeze and make a few employees walk the plank.” 

While the company is based out of the Exclusive Economic Zone of Somalia for tax and marauding purposes, they also have a skeleton crew manning their Palo Alto campus. 

The campus has a quaint Philz Coffee and employees excitedly await a Shake Shack, which they anticipate will parallel the Somalian office’s massive meat grinder, operated by a silent, nameless boy who only responds when beckoned as “Butcher.”

“It’s a little lonely here in the Bay, but we do our part,” said software engineer Stinky Joe. “Just last week, I robbed and impaled a man that I thought was Tim Cook. It was not.”

Stinky Pete is one of the thousands of passionate employees at Plundr. Employee turnover is low given the company’s generous health insurance to combat scurvy, featuring a low deductible on SunnyD. 

The vitamin-C rich treat coupled with the revenue sharing business model truly boost morale. “Crypto is waning, gold doubloons are in!” exclaimed Greenbeard. “Crypto is waning, gold doubloons are in!” exclaimed Greenbeard’s parrot, Steve Caws.