By Mia Young
LOS ANGELES, CA – Egads! The teeny tiny fellers who hide beneath the Doheny bookstacks have been shot, mauled, and skinned.
Today marks the end of a long legacy of tradition, in which two men (2’ tall, green) repeatedly and endlessly rub their grimy, furry little hands into a 1974 shag carpet in order to conduct the electricity required to power the USC Wi-Fi. They are colloquially known as “the Wi-Fi goblins” by administration. They did not receive pay, as they did this out of the kindness of their own hearts, and a desire to fulfill their Puritan work ethics (the product of a harsh, Boston upbringing). They are technically classified as adjunct faculty, and will be sorely missed by all who frequently connect to the USC Wi-Fi.
Amidst this tragic loss, Carol Folt released a statement, saying:
“Dear USC community,
This is an immeasurable loss. They were not just goblins, but friends. When I was just a little girl of five years old (already preparing to take over the prestige of our wonderful USC community) I was approached in the forests of Akron, Ohio by Garbo and Stinker, our most treasured USC Wi-Fi goblins. They came to me bearing general education syllabi and a teeny-tiny pantsuit, and entrusted to me the future of this great institution. While I knew I would see the day, I thought it would be many years from now. Goblins live very long.
As the President of this university, I vow to find whoever committed these horrific crimes, and plan to reprimand them accordingly. Because of this, there will be a momentary strengthening of SJACS policies, in which anyone with a murderous little glint in their eye will be taken in for questioning, and perhaps even beaten severely. Additionally, I will not be fixing the Wi-Fi, as it is only a distraction to this tragic incident.”
The bloody carpet is to be moved into the Frank Sinatra Hall, as there is nowhere else to put it. Garbo and Stinker themselves will be laid to rest in the post-production basement of SCA, because no one will smell them there.
Nekrogoblikon at Rock am Ring 2013 by Achim Raschka, CC BY-SA 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0, via Wikimedia Commons