By Izzy Ster
LOS ANGELES, CA – After moving into her freshman dorm on Monday afternoon, Lana Klein has spiraled into a deep identity crisis. Despite what she presumed should have been an enriching, character building previous 18 years of living, she now cannot remember anything else besides her hometown, major, and dorm.
When asked about her first few days on campus, freshman Lana Klein answered, “I can go next! My name is Lana Klein and I’m from Chicago. Well, not Chicago Chicago, but close enough!” She paused for laughter, which came about in two quick nose breaths from a few passersby. “I’m majoring in Communications, but I’m looking into a Cinematic Arts minor in SCA because why not! We’re living in LA, might as well, right? I’m dorming in New North for the true freshman year experience so I’m constantly surrounded by vomit. I mean, seriously guys. So much more vomit.” She smiled and twirled her hair around her finger, waiting for someone else to pick up the conversation or agree.
Klein has also been suffering from bouts of extensive wandering around the Village Target in hopes that fairy lights and/or LED light strips have been restocked since the last time she checked, which was two hours ago. “I knew something was wrong when she called me crying on her second night there,” Klein’s mother said. “But instead of crying about missing home, all she kept saying was, ‘I’m only about 20 minutes away from the city on a good traffic day!’”
Even her roommate, freshman Tara Hull, hasn’t been able to learn anything else about her roommate beyond the basic icebreaker. “She just keeps asking if I want to play ‘Two Truths and a Lie’ and reminding me that she’s ‘down for a night out but also for a chill night in.’ I just asked her if she wanted anything from Trader Joe’s!” When Klein was contacted for comment on her condition, she responded, “Do you guys want to go thrifting or explore LA? We can also get boba or listen to some of my favorite alternative artists, like Rex Orange County or Harry Styles!”