USC Not Mad, Just Disappointed in Frats

By Izzy Ster

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following six fraternities announcing their disaffiliation, USC lectured brothers in a strongly-worded Instagram post which stated, “We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed in you.” 

After the University deployed babysitters due to innumerable sexual assualt and drugging allegations surfaced, the frats decided they weren’t having any of this and to stage a mutiny. The rationale behind it, they insisted, was very important. “The University was, like, really killing our vibe,” said an anonymous brother. “We’re just trying to have fun and not face any consequences from our actions. What gives, Carol?” He continued, “How else would I make any friends? Actually go to class?”

The frats tried to convince the University to “be cool” about their partying habits, but when the University remained firm in their new rules, the frats whined and stomped their feet. After they calmed down enough to talk, an anonymous brother hiccuped, “Why are you being such a meanie!” After rubbing their eyes with their fists and promptly throwing them into the nearest drywall, they decided to disaffiliate shortly after. 

However, in response to the newest temper tantrum, USC suggested a stricter curfew on the weekends. Frats were unphased by the University’s threat, especially due to the last time they got in trouble, the University threatened to take away their TV privileges and never followed through. A similar sentiment was seen with the frat’s history of sexual assualt cases and a glaring lack of arrests.