By Joshua Wolk
To the dismay of Jeff Bezos, Dutch shipbuilder Oceanco has scrapped plans to dismantle a bridge in Rotterdam to accommodate Bezos’s $500 million superyacht, which is too massive to sail under it. In the midst of this travesty, we at the Sack of Troy urge everyone to see the silver linings: Jeffrey was aiming far too low. Where even is Rotterdam? Here are the top five bridges that Bezos should dismantle with his 135 billion, because apparently that’s something that billionaires can do now.
- The Brooklyn Bridge
Unlike some random bridge in the Netherlands, the Brooklyn Bridge has history. It has character. It has swagger. If Jeff yelled “BADA BING,” the Brooklyn Bridge would respond with an ear-shattering “BADA BOOM.” Well, it wouldn’t shatter Jeff Bezos’s ears. He has ears of steel and a brain of gold.
- Golden Gate Bridge
Speaking of gold, the Golden Gate Bridge is famously not that color. It is, however, in the Bay. Nothing would be a bigger flex on all the other billionaires than dismantling their literal skyline. Like, okay Marc Benioff, Salesforce tower is obviously compensating for something.
- 2016 Best Picture-nominated Bridge of Spies
Starring Tom Hanks, this bridge is begging to be dismantled—but in an interpretive way, you know? Hanks plays James B. Donovan, an ex-Nuremberg Trial prosecutor who has been tasked with swapping a Soviet spy in order to save a captured American pilot. Then, he learns of another American prisoner and attempts to save him too! There’s so many questions: Is the pilot at fault? Is the swap just? Should Donovan listen to the CIA’s commands or follow his heart? Jeffrey’s Princeton-educated giga-brain could answer all of these. I know Jeff would thoroughly enjoy this thought-provoking and beautiful film if he can manage to stay awake the entire time.
- The bridge in Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)”
Rock opera “Bohemian Rhapsody” is 5:59. “American Pie” is 8:34. Only Taylor Swift could write and perform a 10-minute musical masterpiece. Such a long piece necessitates an incredible bridge to link everything together, and Taylor delivers. She compares herself to a crumpled piece of paper. Who thinks of that? Well, genius wordsmith Jeffrey Bezos could think of that. I mean, the arrow in the Amazon logo that points from A to Z because Amazon sells everything from A to Z? Brilliant. I hope they collab.
- Joanne’s bridge club
Situated in a small town in Pennsylvania, our staff writer Maura’s paternal grandmother’s bridge prowess packs a punch. In fact, the Meadville bridge scene is on the verge of collapse; no one can compete with her. Why even try? Well, correction. One man can. Jeffrey Bezos. He’s netted over $2 million dollars in competitive bridge tournaments. He goes by “The Bez Dispenser,” since his brilliant plays leave everyone’s mouths agape. You know, like a Pez dispenser. Watch out, Joanne. Jeff is coming to town.
Editor’s Note: This article was outsourced to Karachi with Amazon’s Mechanical Turk. We paid 23 cents. We are not making a statement on the fact that Bezos has built his empire on the backs of the global poor. I love capitalism.