Concussed Football Men to Redefine Mathematics as Big 10 Welcome 15 and 16

By Jessica Wild

ROSEMONT, IL —The head of USC Athletic Department and Commissioner of the Big Ten Conference met to discuss the addition of the USC Football team to the Big Ten, following a session of butting heads repeatedly for “old times’ sake.” Wiping blood from his forehead and creatine from the base of his nose, Kevin Warren agreed to add the Trojans to the Big 10 Conference alongside the UCLA Bruins, making these two teams numbers 15 and 16 of the Big 10. It all added up to these retired players, as they figured out they could count on both fingers and toes this past weekend.