Clear Bag Policy Apparently Doesn’t Apply If Bag is Stuffed With Cocaine

By Sarah Cortina

CHICAGO, IL — Local man Travis Porter was disappointed to find out that Wrigley Field’s clear bag policy did not apply to his personal receptacle due to its sole contents: cocaine.
Many event venues have implemented a clear bag policy as a security measure, but why and how to apply it has seemingly confused certain attendees.
“I was like, sick, cuz I thought that meant you didn’t have to hide your drugs anymore,” said Porter. “But apparently, they just, like, don’t want people bringing in guns and stuff. If I would have known I would have just done it before or brought it in how I used to.” Some of Porter’s old strategies included swallowing his stash and vomiting it back up or shoving it up one of a few orifices. He decided to innovate due to what he believed to be the new protocol, but was, for reasons that completely eluded him, unsuccessful.
Porter reported that his cocaine was confiscated and he was temporarily incarcerated at the stadium. He was put in Cubs Jail along with the typical suspects, a belligerent frat boy and a 15-year-old girl from Naperville. After many unsuccessful tries, he was able to negotiate an early release by bribing the security guard with seven peanuts.
Porter is reportedly pleased to have only had a short detainment, as his weekend is filled with plans. He has a longstanding ski trip, and cannot wait to hit the slopes!