By Alexandra Ornes
LOS ANGELES, CA – Business Major Chad Worthington Jr. woke up on Wednesday and checked the stock market, as he usually does, but was shocked to find his dream job of exploiting people was not as secure as his daddy said it was.
“I don’t understand how this could have happened,” said Chad, visibly holding back tears. “It feels like all my dreams were ripped away from me. All I wanted to do was make money in a questionably ethical way while having plausible deniability, but now that the poors are doing it back… it’s just not the same.”
“I supported Chad’s dreams from a young age, encouraging him to find as many avenues of exploitation as possible. He even enrolled in the girl scouts to learn the proper way to guilt people into buying stuff that they don’t need, and probably can’t afford,” said Chad Worthington Sr. “I knew he would always grow up to be like me… I just hoped one day he could have an opportunity of a lifetime like the 2008 recession.”
“Haha yeah this is the best week of my life,” said Frank Edwards, Chad’s randomly assigned math major roommate. “I invested like half of my college savings into GameStop just to fuck with Chad. I know I’ll probably lose all the money but it’s worth it to crush his dreams. That guy’s such a dick.”
“It’s a little tough right now.” said Worthington Sr. “Chad called me at 2 am last night saying I had lied to him and that he’ll never live up to his ambitions, but I just reminded him it will all be okay when the government bails us out. They always do.”