By Chelsea Levy
LOS ANGELES, CA — Several queer student groups have announced newfound support for fraternities after learning about their bi-laws.
August Presley learned about the bi-laws last Thursday during a heated debate with “former” Sigma Nu member Jason Cox over his fraternity’s rape allegations. “Rape is prohibited in Sigma Nu and every brotherhood. It’s literally in our bi-laws,” Cox argued. After hearing their affinity for the bi community, Presley stepped back to reconsider their implicit bias toward the frat.
In actuality, the only fraternity law addressing bisexuality states that “Only 2 girls + 1 guy threesomes are allowed in the house” because anything else is “kinda sus,” and the “bi-laws” were originally just a misspelling of the word “bylaws” that no one was smart enough to notice or change.
However, queer students have found other reasons to support the frats. “It’s kind of camp” Presley admitted in regard to partaking in Greek life at a predominantly white institution. “The whole thing feels very queer-coded. I fear I may have to rush myself,” they lamented in a fake whisper while sipping on a lavender iced oat milk latte.
“It’s actually brave of the frats to disaffiliate from a historically racist and homophobic institution,” said USC LGBTQ+ Student Center representative Cassidy Germani. “In fact, they’ve inspired us to reconsider our own affiliation with USC.” As the LGBTQ+ Student Center was created as a safe space for queer students on campus, they believe their disaffiliation from the “highly problematic” USC is “long overdue”.
Frat brothers appeared delighted with their newfound popularity among queer students. However, they affirm they are simply strengthening a pre-existing bond. As Ryan Berger of Sigma Chi proclaimed, “I have a gay uncle who lets me ride his yacht in the Newport Harbor every summer. He uses they/them pronouns, and his husband is really nice.”