By Sarah Cortina
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA – Despite it being pride month, Jason Green’s father still is not proud of him.
Jason unloaded these struggles onto the Sack of Troy. Which makes sense, as this organization is female run. “I’ve accomplished so much this year. I raised my grades, my alcohol tolerance, and body count.” This statement was confirmed by the 17 empty handles of Tito’s atop his cabinets and the multiple failed STD tests stuck on his bedroom mini fridge.
“I mean, isn’t it pride month? Seriously, what else could pride month mean besides everyone telling me how great I am?” He then proceeded to shotgun a lukewarm Coors Light for no apparent reason. “I’m only crying because this beer is warm. Stop looking at me like that. I’m fine. I’M FINE!”
After Jason rejected therapy, we reached out to his father, Greg. “I know my son has done well for himself, he’s got a bright future ahead of him. But the thing is, he isn’t gay. Yes, you’ve accomplished a lot, but it’s not about you. He’s always been self absorbed.” Greg rolled his eyes, we think. “He gets it from his mother.”
After contemplating the growing troubles facing straight white men today, he continued, “It’s an embarrassment. I mean, he needs some curveball on his resume to differentiate himself, so being gay would be a great option…” After a long pause, Greg stated, “You know what, I got him his internship, I can do this for him too.” He proceeded to hang up the phone.
We have since been unable to determine Greg’s location, but we can only hope that he is well protected.
Photo by Christian Erfurt on Unsplash