By Alexandra Ornes
With the recent release of Soul, Pixar’s 20th animated feature film, the Sack has decided to rank the main characters from each film based on how sexually attracted we are to them.
For legal purposes, Coco, Merida, and Ian Lightfoot have been left off the list due to them being minors and me not wanting to be put on an FBI watchlist.
#1. Elastigirl – The Incredibles 2
We all knew this was coming. Not only is she one of the most iconic characters in the Pixar animation canon, but Elastigirl is also dummy thicc. Her confidence, grace, and flexibility all earn her the spot of #1 character from Pixar that I am sexually attracted to. 11/10.
#2. Remy – Ratatouille
Some might wonder why Remy the rat is so high on the list. It’s not because of his impending leap into the Broadway lights. One simply must look at his qualifications. He is obviously a supreme chef, so afterward he can cook you an amazing meal, and throughout the movie, he reveals his insane hair pulling technique. Who wouldn’t want to hook up with him and then have him cook you some of his famous ratatouille afterward?
#3. Bo Peep – Toy Story 4
Not only am I highly attracted to Bo Peep with her updated outfit with the cape and cool pants. She also was given such a strong character change from Toy Story 1 and seeing someone evolve is just effortlessly attractive. A solid 9/10 on the scale.
#4. Andy – Toy Story 3
I’m putting Andy as the lead in this film mainly because goddamn. I would not complain if I saw him at USC orientation. I’d give him a Fight On/10
#5. Sully – Monsters Inc.
I don’t know what it is, but there is just something about seeing a man or monster take care of a small child that makes them one hundred times more attractive. Although he’s definitely a bear (he’s literally in the closet for most of the movie), throughout the film he had this whole paternal thing going on, which made me want to get maternal by him.
#6. Flik – A Bug’s Life
Z was pretty hot going off to fight in the war. We love a man who goes after what he wants… wait that’s the wrong movie? That’s from ANTZ by Dreamworks Studio? Eh, point still stands.
#7 – Buzz Lightyear – Toy Story 2
In Toy Story 2 Buzz reconnects with his father, Zurg, which means he probably has daddy issues. Pretty hot. I’d give it a toxic hookup/10
#8. Joe Gardner – Soul
Although he spends a good chunk of the movie as a soul blob, when he’s not being a soul blob he’s a musician, and as a music person, musicians are instantly wayyy more attractive. Despite him being a semi unemployed middle school band teacher with few prospects in life, it would be an honor to sleep with Joe Gardner.
#9. Mr. Incredible – The Incredibles
Mr. Incredible seems to be the stereotypical jock that everyone was slightly attracted to in high school, but when they grew up they realized they were just going with the crowd. If the opportunity arose I think anyone would smash, but I see very few mature adults actively seeking him out.
#10. Lightning McQueen – Cars/Cars 3
After watching Lightning McQueen go from a pretentious asshole to a humble friend, he definitely is quite attractive. But I’m not sure how fun it would be to sleep with him, because he would finish lightning fast.
#11. Mike Wazowski – Monsters University
Mike Wazowski the college freshman is not hot, but he is cute. I definitely see him as the guy you date freshman year after becoming best friends with them, and it’s his humor that makes him hot, rather than his appearance.
#12. Mater – Cars 2
Mater is so lovably dumb I think he would be a fun month-long fling, but also he probably has a car STI like rust or something. But on the other hand, you can tell he is absolutely hung.
#13. Arlo – The Good Dinosaur
Arlo is cute, but like a teddy bear cute, not hot cute. Also, he accidentally murdered his dad which is kinda messed up. 3/10 for sexual attractiveness.
#14. Marlin – Finding Nemo
Marlin seems like the fish who would cry after sleeping with you because he misses his dead fish wife. If he could get through that emotional barrier it would be a fun time, and he definitely needs to get laid to relieve all that built-up tension.
#15. Wall-E – Wall-E
Wall-E is lovable but I don’t think the sexual attraction would be there. There is also no way he has had comprehensive sex education and his robot model is probably unable to look it up on WikiHow. Informed consent/10.
#16. Woody – Toy Story
Although Woody’s name suggests he would be an ideal lover, his behavior in the first Toy Story forces me to put him on the lower end of the list. It’s hard to be attracted to a toy that attempts homicide throughout the film.
#17. The Emotions – Inside Out
I feel as if I know first hand what it would be like to have sexual relations with the emotions from Inside Out, given the fact my emotions fuck me up constantly. So I have to rank them pretty low, because it does not feel nice.
#18. Carl – Up
I cried so many times watching this movie that I don’t think I can feel sexually attracted to Carl at this point. Also, I want to respect Ellie’s memory. I’d say it’s a 🙁 /10.
#19. Dory – Finding Dory