Police Raid Gingerbread Crack House During Pop Rock Bust

By Jack Martino

SANTAVILLE, NORTH POLE – Following an anonymous tip that a local gingerbread house was a hotspot for pop rocks, North Pole Police Department raided the house, arresting four elves who were packing candy while high on snowflakes at the time of the bust.

Cheerful Avenue, where the gingerbread house is located, has been a notorious haven for the North Pole candy-trafficking scene, moving copious amounts of pixie sticks, jelly beans, and tootsie rolls since the 1980s. The violent and unforgiving nature of the candy-trafficking business on Cheerful Avenue, nicknamed “fearful avenue” by civilian elves has left several elves fileted by sharpened candy canes in broad daylight.

“The candy gang violence has gotten so bad in this neighborhood, you never know if a stray gumdrop bullet will hit you if you stand outside,” explained Elfie Bow, a middle-aged civilian elf who lives on Cheerful Avenue and volunteers at the local candy rehab facility in downtown Santaville. 

“We’ve been trying to take down the house since Santa was rocking spandex,” explained Jingle McCoy, an NPPD officer. “Thankfully, we received anonymous evidence that illegal candy trafficking was occurring at the house, and we were able to obtain a Santa warrant, which allows for us to jump down chimneys and seize Christmas cheer.” 

Following the candy bust, Elves have started to return outside to sing Christmas carols and throw snowballs.“Fearful avenue” finally has returned to Cheerful Avenue. “I can’t wait to walk to the toy factory securely again,” remarked Bow, “now I only have to worry about the lack of safety at the factory!”

“Unfortunately,” remarks Officer McCoy, “the movement of other illegal candies such as powdered sugar and CBD gummies will most likely move to other gingerbread crack houses or trap igloos in Santaville. We can only hope the North Pole’s sweet tooth can melt with the spring.”