By Drew Thomas-Nathan
AURORA, CD — Apple products are yet another industry taking a hit from the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic. It seems Americans think they no longer need the red or green fruits now that all doctors are following CDC guidelines and staying six feet away from everyone else.
“Literally the only reason I ever ate an apple a day was to keep doctors from getting near me,” says superstitious schoolgirl Arya Estrada. “Now that I don’t have to worry about those nosy doctors getting near me ‘cause they too have a mortal fear of every other human being right now, I don’t have to eat apples!”
Estrada’s comments follow a wider pattern of Americans thinking of apples as the only thing standing between them and medicine men. A new study conducted by Apples For America found 98 percent of Americans said they would never eat an apple (or apple product like juice or sauce) outside of the circumstances of warding off a medical professional. The other two percent were Jewish Americans who answered they would eat apples, but only with honey during the holiday of Rosh Hashanah.
Head Appleologist behind the study Barry Black elaborated, “You know how a vampire can be stopped with garlic? Apples are like garlic for people who have gone to medical school.” When pressed on the metaphor Black said, “Honestly apples are even more effective against doctors than garlic is against vampires. I can’t speak for the vampires, but as a doctor myself I would burst into flames if I got near someone who eats apples.”
So how do you bring back demand for apples? Bring back the threat of doctors, Black says. “The medical community needs to get to the other side of this pandemic fast so we can start being a presence again that makes people think ‘Oh no, it’s them. Better buy apples!’”
Apple CEO Tim Cook, who made the device you’re reading this on with his bare hands, hopes the doctors can get back to business as usual soon. “You people are dumb. You buy the same phone when we add an ‘s’ to its name. Of course Apple computer sales are down because you numbskulls think ‘an apple a day’ applies to MacBooks. Of course!” Cook had a despondent look in his eye as he realized aloud, “Hold on, so this whole time you were all buying Apple devices just to avoid seeing a doctor? No wonder this outbreak isn’t going away. I hate this country.”
But are Americans who have stopped buying apples worried about being near a doctor if they contract the COVID-19 disease? Estrada gave the nervous answer, “Oy vey… Guess I’d have to bite the bullet on that one. Which reminds me, I should buy a gun.”