By Bryn Doyle
LOS ANGELES, CA – It was a day like any other for University of Southern California student Patrick Murray when a small red and gold package appeared on the doorstep of his Los Angeles apartment. After hesitantly bringing the package inside, he lifted the lid and there sat the most sleek and technologically advanced rectal thermometer Murray had ever seen.
A small note lay beneath the thermometer reading “Trojan Check, connect through MyUSC.” “I was surprised,” replied Murray. “So this device was the mysterious Trojan Check symptom tracker USC has been vaguely talking about all summer?”
After inserting the thermometer, your temperature syncs with MyUSC and automatically reports it into your OASIS academic records. “Now I can log my temperature, check my class schedule, and pay my semester bill all at once,” Murray said. “Just remember not to sit down!”
With prior emails asking students to “complete Trojan Check daily and truthfully” through the two star-rated Trojan Check app from the app store, this new Bluetooth thermometer reduces the likelihood of people reporting false data because butts can’t lie.
Through the Trojan Check thermometer, Murray can show his results to USC’s safety perimeter ambASSadors in order to gain entrance to USC’s campus efficiently.
“I was hesitant at first because putting things in your butt is taboo, but I’ll do what I have to in order to keep the student body safe,” reported Patrick on his experience with the device. “Although it is getting kind of crowded in there. I stuck a frozen Go-Gurt tube up there last week and it hasn’t returned.”
While Murray is doing what he can to protect the student body, his conservative parents have been concerned about USC’s use of rectal thermometers. While avoiding eye contact Mr. Murray rambled, “We would rather our son avoid implementing the usage of instruments that that go into a particular orifices,” before Mrs. Murray interjected, “It’s sodomy!”
Murray, however, has come to accept and promote the thermometer because it is “sodomy for a cause.” “I bring it with me everywhere now, even if I already checked my temperature that day!”