Democrats Close Abortion Clinics Nearby Convention to Make John Kasich Feel More At Home

By Jonathan Krone

MILWAUKEE, WI – In anticipation of the Democratic National Convention on August 17th, the DNC shut the doors of all but one of the abortion clinics in Milwaukee in order to make featured guest speaker John Kasich feel more comfortable. 

“The Democratic Convention is about giving all members of the Democratic Party a chance to speak, and that includes Republicans,” said party chair Tom Perez, “We support a woman’s right to choose, but when that right interferes with a union-buster’s right to speak at our convention, then a line has been crossed. Like a picket line, except crossing those is good.” 

People with Joe 2020 profile pictures on Twitter were quick to chime in, like these users: 

Democratic nominee Joe Biden spoke about the issue, saying “C’mon man! I invited Joe, or John, because he’s a very special sister to me and he should have the chance to speak his voice. Here’s the deal. We have a President who is the most dangerously, and if we have to defund Planned Parenthood to get him out, then that’s it, folks.”  

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi also expressed her support. “We’re so happy to have John at the Convention. He’s spent his career fighting for… well, umm… Nope… no way…no, not that… oof, definitely not that…” stammered the Representative, shuffling through her notes, “Oh, nevermind what he’s been fighting for, now he’s fighting against Trump, which is all that matters!” 

When reached for comment, Kasich responded, “You didn’t mistype my email? Wow it’s nice to have reporters talking about me again! I really appreciate the DNC for giving me this opportunity to join the Resistance and talk about my new book, ‘It’s Up To Us.’ You can order it for just $29.99 on Amazon or from your local bookstore, also on my website What was the question again?”