Post Office Starts Offering Bubble Wrap Popping to Make Ends Meet

By Jonathan Krone

WASHINGTON DC –  Desperate to balance their budget in the face of being defunded by the Trump administration, the United States Postal Service began selling time slots to pop sheets of bubble wrap in a desperate attempt to make ends meet. 

“The pilot program has been very successful,” said Postmaster Megan Brennan. “People love popping, and we’ve only had a few hundred fragile packages destroyed. So far, it’s a hit!” Branches all across the country were reporting long lines as desperately bored people escaping quarantine were eager to fondle the packing material.

“I’m having a ton of fun,” said Archie Dergen, a Hoboken auto mechanic. “My work’s been closed ‘cause of this COVID stuff so I just camp out around 7am and pop bubbles all day. I didn’t even know the post office did anything. This is awesome!” Dergen said his kids have asked to join him, but he prefers to have his popping time to himself. 

But Alicia Johnson, manager of the Garden City, New Jersey branch, has some reservations. “My job has gotten a lot harder since we created the BubbleZoneTM. We’ve had to convert several delivery drivers to BubbleBoyzTM and we keep running out of BubbleBusterTM stickers and pins to give to customers. It’s exhausting.”

President Trump spoke very highly of the program, saying “It’s actually very smart, you know, you’ve got these bubbles and you know people love to just, pop them, and you see like this. Pop. Pop. Pop. Very fun!” At press time, another case of bubbles was being delivered to the Resolute Desk for a “very important business purpose.”