by Christine Politte
BOHNETT RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE– When she moved into her new apartment in August, junior Maya Gonzalez was thrilled when roommate Annie Schwartz offered to provide the silverware. However, her feelings quickly turned sour after Schwartz proved to have the upper hand in every single argument.
“Look, it was very generous of Annie to save me some money,” said Gonzalez. “But I feel like I should be able to ask her to take out the trash without having my fork confiscated in the middle of dinner.”
Schwartz has successfully used this tactic to force her roommates to do 90% of the cleaning, take the least desirable shelves in the pantry, and provide her with absolute silence after 9pm each evening.
“The worst thing is that our other roommate owns the dishes,” sighed Gonzalez. “At this point every time they start fighting I just stock up on PB&J.”
For her part, Schwartz is satisfied with her rooming arrangement.
“This is the way it should be,” smiled Schwartz, alternating between three spoons for her yogurt in a show of power. “If they don’t want to live with me, they should buy their own damn silverware.”
At press time Gonzalez was seen stocking up on bargain plastic cutlery and preparing for war.