Virgin Makes Yet Another Sex Playlist
By Mia Young
PHOENIX, AZ — The “sex playlist” has become more common as the popularity of music streaming services increases, and local virginal college student Norman McDougal is the self-proclaimed master of crafting the perfect sex playlist. His Spotify profile is host to over thirteen playlists meant specifically for “pre- and post-coital purposes.”
“The reason I make all these sex playlists is because I really do have so much sex. Almost every day I’m having sex. It’s nonstop,” he declared while seated in his gaming chair surrounded by Funko Pop! figures. In his bedroom alone there are thirty-four of the large-headed figures, his favorite being “Sexy Jutsu Naruto.” His breath remained heavy while scrolling through his Spotify playlists, many of which he stated are exclusively for when he “fornicates.”
“This one here is titled ‘Breeding,’ which has a lot of Barry White songs on it. This is usually my go-to for when I bring a female home,” he grinned, tipping his fedora to no one in particular. Other such playlists that he scrolled past include “Impregnation Station” and “High Time to 69.”
When asked what kind of “female” he generally likes to bring home, he stammered and assured that it doesn’t really matter because “all women are queens.” However, when asked what his ideal woman looks like, he had no such hesitation. “Blue hair, big boobs, wears a latex spacesuit.”
The description closely matches a character printed on a body pillow found on his bed.