By Sarah Cortina
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local self proclaimed leftist even down to her handmanship is grappling with conflicting ideals after filing a DPS report last night on a man jacking off on her front lawn.
After returning home from an anti-police protest organized by her sorority, Jade Markham reportedly screamed and dialed 911 as a man emerged from her bushes with what definitely was not a Coliseum hot dog in his hand.
Markham stated that, “It was, like, really scary. I mean, I’m from the suburbs. I’m not used to dealing with, you know, crime. Besides you know, like my best friend being addicted to cocaine. And underage drinking. And my dad’s taxes. But that’s like fine, it’s not like real crime! Right? RIGHT?” She then proceeded to foam at the mouth whilst scrolling through her TikTok For You Page manifestations to affirm that she made the right choice.
Her woke sentiments seemed contradictory to the dilapidated cardboard sign made from Trader Joe’s Cheerios with ACAB scribbled across it, displayed in her bedroom window next to a Bluephoria Yerba Mate can with a dead plant in it.
Markham’s week only got worse as photos from Halloween 2019 were leaked of her dressed as a sexy policewoman, putting a life sentence on her status as a performative activist. As a result, Markham has reportedly decided to drop her PoliSci major in favor of a new one, acting.