Trump Legal Team Employs Watertight “I Know You Are But What Am I?” Defense

By Jonathan Krone

WASHINGTON, DC — Several days into the impeachment trial of Donald Trump, his legal team has unveiled a watertight “I know you are, but what am I?” defense. Pat Cippolone, head of the defense team, began his arguments by telling the Senators in attendance:  “The President is rubber, and you’re glue! The allegations of gross misconduct bounce off him and stick to you!” 

After Mitch McConnell whispered in his ear on the way out of the courtroom, Congressman Jim Jordan said, “Mitch just told me that Susan told him that John Bolton said that the call was really great and the transcript was fantastic so that means you guys are wrong!” He proceeded to put his thumbs in his ears and stick his tongue out at this reporter.

Closing arguments are scheduled to begin today, and Trump’s side will purportedly be arguing that since the whistleblower smelt it, he must have dealt it.