by Joey Rayburn
USC – After a grueling search to permanently fill the vacant position of President after the resignation of Max Nikias, the Board of Trustees has decided that a new Starbucks will take up the mantle of President.
Chairman Rick Caruso announced the decision on Monday and made it clear that the Board of Trustees were actively listening to the concerns of students, faculty, and alumni while making their final choice.
“We know this university is in desperate need for some severe changes to how we operate, and the Board of Trustees and I can’t think of a better entity to best serve our student’s interests than the place that invented the Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino. Kids love that!”
The Board of Trustees had previously instilled Dr. Wanda M. Austin as the university’s interim president while the search took place. Dr. Austin, who served on President Obama’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology and is widely respected in the field of aerospace, released a statement in support of the Board’s decision.
“The USC Community deserves a leader who is committed to enacting change that will end the harmful culture that has allowed past abhorrent behaviors to take place,” Dr. Austin wrote. “Y’know, like the place that tried to make the Unicorn Frappuccino a thing, not some nobody who was the former President and CEO of The Aerospace Corp.”
Students were confused by the logistics of the decision. Sophomore Dominic Nguyen didn’t know what to make of the situation. “So, they’re building a new Starbucks and letting it make the decisions,” Nguyen asked. “It won’t take any action! It’ll be Nikias all over again!”
Chairman Caruso acknowledged the hesitance in letting an inanimate building take over the control of the university, but insisted the move was the best thing for the school.
“Look, those Starbucks make a killing,” Caruso explained. “We put one of ‘em in charge and we’ll have money flowing out our nostrils!”
When asked what the university would do with the revenue, Chairman Caruso shrugged. “I don’t know? How ‘bout another Starbucks? That’s what the kids like, right?”