Student Reconsiders Being Sick After USC Health Center Insists, “I’m Sure You’re Fine”

by Quinton Buxton

USC — With maladies maliciously spreading across campus, many students turn to the always reliable beacon of well-being that is the USC Engemann Student Health Center. However, sophomore Ellen Regelsky’s experience with the campus physicians was a bit different.

“Well, I told them I wasn’t feeling very well, but the doctor ensured me that I was ‘probably gonna be okay,’” recounted Regelsky, coughing up blood between words. “Maybe he’s right. I’m probably just overreacting or something.”

To provide more insight, Dr. Jonathan Swift elaborated on this newly developed medical procedure.

“Students don’t really know when they’re sick,” said Swift. “So we came up with the innovative new process of just presuming they’re actually okay. No extra testing required; it’s such a time saver!”

While the procedure may seem as effective as a flatlining patient, students beg to differ.

“I finally decided to get some help because for years I’ve struggled with anxiety that has eaten me alive and completely crippled my ability to function properly in public,” revealed junior Carla Canterbury. “But the doctor just laughed and said I was most likely just really tired. Who knew! It’s no wonder he’s paid so much.”

John Nightingale, a freshman with an extra arm growing out of his chest, was especially ecstatic: “I went in last week after I spilled some chemicals on me when doing lab work. He told me I should have no trouble walking it off, especially with the additional limb!”

Although unconventional, positive reactions to the new medical methods are about as contagious as the average student. Just not enough for the health center to do anything about it.