Bicycle Cop Races Through Village in Hot Pursuit of Dignity

by Amanda Douglas

USC VILLAGE – Bicycle cops roam the Village at all times, keeping their eyes peeled for reckless longboarders and unlawful pigeons, but they are rarely called to action. Mere days ago, however, bicycle cop Bob Jones mounted his two-wheeler and raced across the square in hot pursuit of what appeared to be his dignity.

Jones’ heavy breathing and clumsy shuffling attracted the attention of freshman Timothy Menendez, who has noticed bicycle cops on a few occasions. “I mean, bikes are cool, and cops are really cool, but somehow together they’re just impossibly lame.”

Swerving around Hecuba, Jones pedaled like Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France, except much slower, minus the drugs, and with considerably less gravitas. Perched on his tiny seat, Jones’ eyes were fierce as he rode his heart out, hair blowing in the wind through the slats of his helmet. “I was shocked to see one of them moving so fast,” junior Rachel Andrews commented. “I mean, much slower than a car, but still pretty fast.”

Though Jones caused quite a scene, nobody knew who or what he was after. “Maybe someone stole some off-brand cereal from Trader Joes,” sophomore Serena Woods speculated. Fellow classmate Tony Owens guessed Jones had spotted a stray tailgater or maybe a roving band of dads, a common issue in the Village.

Around West 30th and Figueroa, Jones ended the chase empty-handed. When asked what he was pursuing, Jones replied with unwarranted confidence, “You and I both know the answer to that.” Met with blank stares, he happily snapped his child-size helmet in place and rang his bell twice before nearly running over two pedestrians on his way back to campus.

Later, Jones was seen flipping over his handlebars after his cargo shorts caught on the brake, a crash which may have looked cool had he been anyone but a bicycle cop.