by Ryan Zubery
INDIANAPOLIS, IN— At 9:27 AM, Mr. Nielson’s 9th grade American history class let out a collective groan when they realized the new kid, Jared Bloom, wasn’t the sex god of their dreams here to sweep them off their feet.
Freshman Kayla Tucker was halfway through applying Yves Saint Laurent’s Rouge Pur Couture lipstick, newly bought from Sephora, when Bloom first walked in the class. She dunked it straight into the trash when she saw him.
“I heard he transferred in from Franklin Central,” said Tucker, smudging her perfectly applied winged eyeliner as she wiped away a few stray tears. “That’s where all the hot guys go to school. Why isn’t he hot?”
Similarly unaroused student Adriana Dominguez had a similar reaction. “I already had everything planned out for our life together. I just spent $300 dollars on my dress for when he was going to ask me to prom. Now what am I supposed to do with it? Wear it to prom with someone who’s not Sexy Jared?”
“I even bought a ring pop and made my best friend Max pretend to be Jared and propose to me with it,” Dominguez admitted after a pause, “just so my reaction could be perfect when it was going to happen.”
Some of the guys also had strong opinions. “We were gonna deck him,” said an underwhelmed Anthony King. “Me and a couple of the boys drew out some plans to take him out by the basketball courts and beat him up if he was a pretty boy. But what are we supposed to do with this? ”
We asked Mr. Nielson for a comment about the whole affair. “ Before I announced we were going to have a new student, most of the class wouldn’t pay attention to my lectures. After I told them, they started listening intently all of a sudden, like I was going to reveal whether Jared is a babe or not in a presentation on prohibition.”
As for Jared Bloom himself, he was last seen on his way to a friend’s house, where he told us he was going to complain about how there’s “only low 4’s and 5’s” in his new classes.