By Jack Martino
LOS ANGELES, CA – As COVID-19 cases rise, Los Angeles County has officially abandoned the “cool mom” of California title, trading in copious amounts of cocaine, wealth, and sunny weather for a complete shutdown.
But today is a dark day for the kids. “Cool mom” is watching too much daytime TV again. Now she knows about COVID. And she’s not having it.
“I don’t understand,” said an anonymous Tik Tok star whose name definitely doesn’t rhyme with Madison Kae from her Beverly Hills mansion, “My benders usually go for days on end, but now I can’t even go out to my favorite underground club. Now I have to be in bed by ten or my mom will take away my water and energy privileges. My life sucks. Thanks MOM.”
Early bedtime has been a threat LA County has teased for years whenever the residents have one too many bumps of coke or become riotous. Who knew it would only take a global pandemic for the early bedtime to actually be put into place.
“I have been too lenient on these kids for too long,” said LA County, nursing a dry martini. “It’s time momma bear showed them who really wears the pants in the relationship here. I told those damn kids to wear masks. I told those damn kids no clubs. And what do they do? They don’t listen to their mother. My therapist said I have to take back control.”
Only time will tell if the mandatory bedtime will stay in effect. The LA County residents have already shotgunned several Four Lokos in protest of going to bed early, and it appears some residents will move in with the fun aunt of the family, Orange County.